Topic: Jokes

Put em here. I prefer clean but that's up to the mods.

The Winter Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child in winter will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced,
'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said,
'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

I am sure that my jokes will get me banned.

2 parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

Drug dealer's answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

A JOKE

Most of my LOLs are about Tyler, so he's beaten me to it there.

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick..

So, this guy is sitting in a bar next to a blonde Irish lady. They're watching TV on which a guy is standing on a ledge about to jump.
The guy says 'bet you 5 bucks he jumps'. The woman says 'no he won't, here you go'. As soon as she puts the money on the bar, the guy jumps. The man says 'Look, I can't take your money, I saw this on tv earlier'. The blonde says 'yeah, so did i but I didn't think he'd do it twice'.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick

Why did the man run around his bed?
To catch up on his sleep!

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Why did the man take a pencil and tape measure to bed?

To draw his curtains and see how long he slept for

Two men walked into a bar. You'd have thought one of them would have seen it.

A fish swam into a wall.
" Damn!"

"COPS LIKE DONUTS!"

every joke in LA Cops.

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

so, I was out for a walk and met Ed Milliband with his children (he's got a bit of spare time ATM). I said to one of his children "what do you want to do when you grow up?". The little guy said "I want to be Labour leader, then I can help homeless people and stuff". I said, you don't need to wait till then, come over to my house, cut the lawns and wash the car and I'll give you £30.00 which you can take back here and give it to that homeless person". The little guy said "why don't you get the homeless guy to do the work and give him the £30 directly'. I said "welcome to the Conservative party son". Ed's reply was unprintable.